What do I want in life?

This is the question I have been thinking and thinking and thinking and THINKING.
I still do not have any answer…

Yesterday I move all appointments and activities out of the way just to brainstorm what I want.

So, here’s the boring parts:

I didn’t do so well in school. I don’t find myself being clever or stupid. I am just average, very average. I didn’t like to study. I tried hard to study. But my friends have told me that I am using the wrong method. Maybe it is. Or maybe I am just not that kind of person who will do well.
So I started out with a diploma in information technology. Well, frankly speaking, with my result, there isn’t much choice either.
I wouldn’t say I am very interested in IT. I mean I love computer (who doesn’t?) but it doesn’t mean I am interested in all that geeky stuffs. It was a wrong choice which I always know.  I was restless in class, and didn’t pay much attention. There was also some drama going on with my classmates and me. I wouldn’t go into details….But it somehow force me to lose focus for the first year. In my second year, I was fortunately enough to move away from all these. But, still, I couldn’t find the motivation to focus.  After a semester or so, We were being separated into different specialisation. I was being selected into the least popular specialisation – Mobile Computing. Well, mobile computing is popular now. But unfortunately it was a different thing back then. It was boring and a technology nobody really cares. Hence mobile computing is somehow for students with very bad grades. Naturally, I couldn’t find myself being motivated to be the top student or something. So that’s how I ended up spending/wasting my 3 years in getting a diploma with average grade.

After I got my diploma, naturally I didn’t do well to go in an university. Competition is tight here. Not everyone get to go into university. Okay, so I started thinking what do I want? I started out looking for jobs while I am trying to get my enlightenment. I didn’t know how long it was but eventually I landed up with my first official job. I came across an advertisement for an admin in a local trading company. Okay, it sounds interesting. I applied and had a call from the HR. I went down and it was a very short interview. But they want me! It was shocking… but I later found out why.

I started working there with a-bit of stress here and there. I worked there for a year + a few months (Cannot really remember now). And I eventually found out I am very lowly paid 😦 which is probably they are excited to have me. I was an administrator for the export department. It sounds nice but its actually very boring paperwork.  Anyway at the same time, I got into a local university. At some point of time, I decided to resign and concentrated on my studies. I tried to do well.. But I don’t think I succeed. I failed a couple of subjects here and there throughout the years but I have pulled through. (I officially graduated last year!) After I left the local trading company, I worked a bit of part time and temporary assignments. Nothing really get me far! Then in 2011, I was desperate to get a job as I was facing some financial problem. I contacted my ex-manager from that same local trading company. They wanted to hire me back. I asked for a higher salary and surprisingly they were willing to accept. I joined the company and…. they told there was some miscommunication – They thought I am a degree holder blah blah so they wanted to pay me much lower. Okay, fine… I was really a bit desperate. So I agreed while looking out. I would say I did enjoy my second employment with them. But it was not a place I would stay. There is no progression at all! So I looked out. A friend connected me with one of her clients and got me into a MNC. They told me its a contract based and there will be chance to be converted into permanent so I took it. I am still not getting the pay I wanted. But sigh, It is much higher than what I am being paid for. Anyway I joined the company as an admin assistant which is the exact same position at my previous company. However the job-scope was totally different. I probably have a very relaxing job in which some would envy but…nobody would want that if they know my salary. I am still employed in that company. I would say I absolutely love working for them. It is a very nice company with zero office politics. Okay maybe not at my level. But I don’t know… I don’t feel myself being very useful. I no longer get the work satisfaction I used to have. I was given a chance to expand my knowledge to HR and I am grateful for that as I found out I am actually quite interested in HR!

Well, it is a bit too late now. It is too insane to go back to school to get an degree.  Furthermore the situation seems not so optimistic as it is. More and more companies are moving HR scope away from Singapore. I keep getting this from friends, new colleagues – My HR is not in Singapore. I don’t know but it does make me rethink about this line of career.

Of course I could also concentrate in being an administrator. I mean I could try out for PA, EA, Office manager etc. But i don’t know if these are my actual career path. I mean I do enjoy doing admin work but I don’t know if it is something I want to do for life?

I have also question myself on exploring a career with what I have actually studied in. Which is IT or design. I don’t know – IT seems like a very far off for me. I like computer but not IT. I like playing with computer but I don’t like the stress.  I am not saying I cannot deal with stress. But i don’t like the IT kind of stress. Furthermore, looking at my result, I don’t think I am smart in programming etc. As for design, I enjoy making website or graphic but I don’t have the talent for it. There are so many people who are so good at this and it is not easy to find a company that are willing to hire someone who no experience or even no portfolio.

The thing that I really love doing is of course writing…. But i need to be very financial stable before I could self-publish or something. I am definitely not ready for this. In the meantime, I need to continue to brainstorm on what I am good at… and continue to think my career path.



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